Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
