So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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