My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
