I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
