You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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