Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
