please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
