booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
