he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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