At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
