$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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