i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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