Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
