nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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