the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
