Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
