Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
