he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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