well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
