remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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