That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
