im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
