Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
