she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
His hands were made for my vagina.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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