Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Everything about him screamed your future.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
