i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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