anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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