I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
