You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
