He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
