My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
