Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
