I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
