I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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