it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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