my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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