My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
