so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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