if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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