That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
