omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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