I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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