my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
