Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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