why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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