You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
