White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
