got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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