Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
