D3 body, D1 cock
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
