And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
